by Joy M. Nordenstrom, MBA, CMM

Are you single? In a relationship? Or are you currently falling into the category “it’s complicated?” Whatever your relationship status, the following tips will help you make the largest impact on those you care the most about. You will start by learning their love language and then incorporate their learning style to become effective and efficient in your loving actions and words.

If you are in a relationship, would you like to make this Valentine’s Day a day your partner won’t be able to stop talking about weeks, if not years to come. With a little bit of creativity and energy, and by speaking their language, you will increase your chances of creating a memory to last a lifetime. Plus, taking this extra effort and time to explore what makes your partner feel most loved will have lasting effects on the health and longevity of your relationship.

If you are single, the next time you meet someone special you would like to make a lasting impression on, these skills will definitely come in handy. Your ability to pinpoint what makes this person comfortable and happy by utilizing their languages will be key in growing your acquaintance into a relationship.

Core to my work as both a matchmaker and as a relationship coach is the work of Dr. Gary Chapman who wrote “The Five Love Languages.” Although knowing someone’s love language will help you communicate better with them, I have found that in the initial stages of love it doesn’t matter quite as much what your love language is because at that stage we are chemically addicted to our partners and tend to utilize all of the love languages. The attraction phase can last a few months up to several years depending on the circumstances surrounding the relationship. It’s when individuals move from the attraction phase to the attachment or comfort zone of love that the working knowledge of your partner’s love language becomes critical. In the comfort zone of love, we drop back into giving and receiving love the way we learned how to give and receive love from our parents or caregivers. That being said, if you can find someone with whom you share your primary or secondary love language from square one, then your relationship will have a higher chance of survival in the long run. Thus, it’s critical to ask the right questions in the beginning in order for there to be less need for serious relationship work in the future. By having love languages in sync, the work will be turned into fun relationship maintenance because you won’t have to think in a language you don’t speak.

Let’s begin. Answer the following question for a quick love language assessment and discover which resonates most with you. Then, if you are in a relationship, select the one you feel sounds most like your partner. It may be a little more challenging to determine how your partner would answer but think about the following from past conversations: What do they most often complain about in relation to others? What do they request from others? And, observe how they most often express their love to those they care about and are close to them.

If you are single and attempting to determine the love language of another single someone whom you have just met, you need to first make them feel comfortable and then when the time is right – and as soon as possible – engage in a dialogue about what matters most to them. People do like it when other’s are interested in them so don’t be shy to ask personal questions as long as you aren’t getting any negative body language from them. The number one objective of flirting is being able to put someone at ease and to connect with them on their level. (I teach classes on this and coach people regularly, so if you feel you could use some lessons on this initial step, feel free to contact me.) As you are getting to know them, be ready to ask questions similar in nature to the one below, just more open-ended, like “What makes you feel truly loved and appreciated?” or “What was the biggest thing that was lacking in your last significant relationship?”

The love language question:
I feel most loved and appreciated by someone when…

a)   … they give me thoughtful gifts.

b)   … they express their feelings for me with an act of physical closeness, such as holding my hand, kissing or hugging me.

c) … they take time and energy to do a chore I would normally do around the house as a gesture of their love for me.

d) … they verbally tell me why they are grateful I am in their life.

e) … they spend uninterrupted one-on-one time with me.

There is a possibility that you and/or your partner are bilingual. So if two answers equally rise to the top, choose one as your primary and the other as your secondary love language. In a loving relationship, it is normal to give gestures of love using all five languages, especially in the beginning of a relationship, but one or two usually stand out.

Based on your answer to the question above your love language(s) is (are):

1. Gifts
2. Physical Touch
3. Acts of Service
4. Words of Affirmation
5. Quality Time

This is just the tip of the iceberg on love languages. If you would like to take an extended quiz or learn more about this in conjunction with your current or future relationship you can email me and/or read Dr. Chapman’s book.